Sexual Misuse of Children

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

I ´m proud to present a report of a lady who wants to tell the story of her live while she had been misused since she was a littly baby.
The lady will report in a very honest and serious way. Now I can publish the first three pages of her manuscript of about 60 pages.
Please tolerate that the lady wants to stay anonymous because of private reasons and abstain from asking me to reveal her identity. But if you want, you can contact the lady by using this guustbook. You can write in an anonymous way and can use English or French language.

Your Joachim Kossmann


At first I want to tell you what´s the meaning of "borderline" and how to get this disease:

Borderline is a personality disorder rising up during the arly childhood, for exampel by:
To profit by superiority of superior persons, misuse of confidence, to make the best of emotional dependences for own purposes.
Beating with objects, to thrash, to crush, fisticuffs, to shake, slaps in the face, to bite, to hold tight, to fetter, to stick in one´s throat, to scald, to reduce coporally, to restrict main necessairies of the basic supply like eating, drinking. sleeping or medical care.
Corporal or emotional misuse, soul kisses, inopportune contacts or massages, oral, vaginal or anal sexual intercourse misuse of the penis, violations of the intimacy zone and charming misuse.

Isolation, to arrest, to redicule, to overcharge, to punish, ignorance, denial of love, missing strokes, permanent criticism, degardations, falsehoods, the attempt to destroy the self - conscious.
Poverty on safeness, poverty of coaching and missing acceptance.

The long terming consequences may be:
Somnipathy, nightmares, disorders of concentration, problems of tht stomach and intestine, abdominal pains, disorders of breath, multiple disorders of the personal character, bulimia, anorexa nervosa, illnesses of the skin. allergies, no coenaesthesis, panic attacks, corporal flashbacks. Emotional reactions:
Fears, fear of commitment, fear of poverty , regressive behaviour, aggressive behaviour, anger, sorror, problems of connections, feelings of guilty and shame, depressions, seperation from society, rage, perplexity, chaos, isolation, perceptual disturbances, low self - esteem and self - convidence, constraint behaviour, self - hate, problems of near and distance, hopelessness, helplessness, and dissociations.

Dissociation is a condition when the consciousness isn´t able any longer to harmonize information from outside and inside.
The consequence of a dissiciative condition may be that you cannot rember at urgent things no more. Addictions, self inflicted injuries, self hasrmings, risky behaviour, attempts of suicide may be follow.
Besides them the neglection of one´s part in the society, disturbed sexual behaviour, taciturnity and distrust can appear.
The sexuality may be disturbed Die Sexualität kann gestört sein (frigidity - impotence).
An aggressive sexual behaviour, prostitution, sadomasochistical sexual behaviour, unsatisfied sexuality, disturbes of the intimate sphere.
Besides them the conesequence may be tachycardia, extra systole, dizziness, sweating, tremor, weak knees, feelings of suffocations and and strangling, breathlessness, prickling in arms and legs, muscle pains, disturbs by seeing and noticing, problems of the stomach and the intestines, to be malade, pains of the thorax, the fear of a cardia insuffiency, the fear to become insane, the fear of  loss of control, to make you ridicolous because of a blackout, tzhe fear at the fear, phobias.

...and here is my story now:

A few days ago I found a reader´s letter in the internet.
And now I know that  I ´m a borderliner, a young woman wrote and she asked herself which kind of advantage this konwoledge could be for her.

After my opinion this knowledge can make more than to grope in the dark - like me when I married at the age of 19 years a man twice old as me on my unconscious search for love and safeness. I thought he was a man being old and seasoned like my father but not being mother´s slave like that one.
Namely my father let himself tormen b my mother. Already I was a new born baby father beat me when I was crying in the night, because mother wanted him to act so.

When I was alradey grown up, once upon a time my mother used in fact other words when she told me of this events But mother confessed that she had ordered father to take  such sweeping measures of education. Further than mother confessed that the pillow under my left ear had been wet.
"Father had to work very hard at that time in order to feed his family", she said, "and he needed his recreation. Besides them nobody could think that you would suffer ear - aches."
Her statement sounded like a careful exculpation, when mother told me about the box on the ear she made her husband to do.But I ´m sure that mother didn´t feel really gulity. I was rebellious and and obstinate and I had never let her choose.
Moreover than the times were really bad a few years after the Second World War. "What do you thin how difficult it was to feed two children, while we possesed nothing at all", mother said, thereby she groaned heart - rending in order to make all listeners to be pitiful. "Father had to steel coals at the railroad - embankment so we could heat our oven in the evenig an I couldt make warm food for us." Her voice broke nearly when she remembered the suffer she had hat to stand.
Mother took also pleasure in her sorrow, when she told me that father had to stand his bad conscience after the had beated on my head.
But her face also meaned that I ´d been gulity of father´s sorrow because he had to stand during the following 18 months the pains and troubles of my ear - aches.
Likely I had to tell them - as a new born child - that my cries was caused by pains and not by being rebellious and obstinate.
But it´s told that father gave my sweatnesses, when I - by mother´s statement - had pulled my little fingers into the wall above the sofa on where I ´d been resting all over the day. My father sould have been sitting next to me for a lot of hours, and I sholdn´t have shown mercyness.
"You ´ve shameless exploited his good nature", mother said with an distinct blame in her voice. "You ´d led him by the nose and you were more rebellious and obstinate than ever before. At that time I ´d really felt sorrow with him. I often told him: Do not pamer the little girl, otherwise she will run into leaves. But he didnßt want to listen. Now let it be enough, he had ever said, and later I had the troubles with you, when you were free of pains. What do you think who difficult it is to set a limit to a child which had been pampered during months before."

By the way, I´d never get to know in later times wheter mother visited a doctor with me.  Suddenly mother didn´t want to speak about the things which had happened any longer. She pretended her migraine, or may be  the high blood - pressure she suffered when we talked about the old times. I don´t know it. I only rember that she said: It will be enough!" Then the discussion was finished for her and she had never started a new dialogue I had been asking for.
When mother didn´t want to do, she didn´t want to do, and you had to tolerate her behaviour otherwise mother got to be sulky. Than it was lyied, treaded cryed and more of them. And sometimes mother lamentated until somebody came to help her.
But mother carried her point at each case.

Perhaps you can understand in this case ideed that mother wanted to succeed, because whatever she had to tell me she couldn´t explain in a simple way - even for my mother, a woman who could find an explanation for everything otherwise.
- ...because which daughter would like to speak about that the her own father had misused his own grandchild. -
Besides them I didn´t noticed anything of the matters, she thought. Why should mother wake sleeping dogs?
Why should she risk anger, unnecsessary anger, she might habe thought. It had been very hard to convince the realtives that I ´d told fairy stories, when ever I couldn´t hold my tongue.

I sould look forword to future, she might have thougt. I should work for my own live and souldn´t depend on a past time nobody could change.

Thereby mother didn´t consider that I ´m suffering by burning shame still longer, when she had tried to make me quiet by boxes on the ear and trashing.
Mother might not knows that I ´m feeling each box on the ear till today she had beaten - and after my opinion without a reason.
I can still remember mother´s lies she had made unrestrained when she told the realatives that I ´d got a great imaginative power. Thereby mother and grandma knew about what had happened and they had scolded grandfather. I imagine him still today - with his long underdrawers he hold scanty over his thin balley - when he left the room hasty, after mother and grandma had opposed him.
Till now I see the contempt in the faces of my relatives lokking down to me in a disgusted way and said: "How can such a little child tell about such dirty things."
Besides them the desperation exists any longer, because mother had never clasped me in her armes in order to to comfort me.
She ´d left me all alone with many questions I ´d asked sometimes, because I couldn´t understand why I ´d been punished for things other children could with impunity.

Why was I beaten when I ´d opend my mouth, and the other children were not beaten?
What was the differende between my and them?

This passage shall make a first impression about this story. The pains of the childhood will continue in the later live. The following events are sometimes unbelievable.
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